Some thoughts about "the question"

With the arrival of the holiday season, many of us will face "the question." (I wonder how many times I answer it in a year. I might start keeping count.) You know the question. It's more or less the same every time -- So... is there anyone special in your life? Parents, friends, relatives, people, old and young are sure to flock around you and ask.

There's a lot of reasons for asking. No one likes to be the last to know things like that. I always hope for a good story. With my good friends, I want to make sure that they aren't trying to make tough decisions and needing my support. Or if they need teased to death, I'd be there for them too.

But people have a hard time reacting when you tell them that there isn't anyone. Sometimes they start dishing out advice. I frequently get told to be more friendly. This week I learned that touching someone's arm for at least three seconds, and making eye contact is a direct and appropriate flirting technique. I've been reasssured that if I liked girls and not guys that would be okay. My boss would always say, "Good. You focus on school. You don't need a guy." Sometimes people quickly change the subject. Or one can always be incredulous and say something charming like, "Wow. There are a lot of stupid guys out there. " There's quite a range of responses.

The thing that I hate about "the question" is the underlying assumption that if there were someone, it would bring all this happiness. I guess that's true to a degree. Good relationships are a good thing. But they're not what I want to hope in.

I know that sometimes I ask because I think that my friend would be happier, and more fulfilled if there were someone. And when there's not, I ask about their job, or something else that maybe will make life better. That's where I go wrong.

My hope is in God, not a relationship, good or bad. He is the only thing that is not going to let me down. It's true for my friends too. As much as I want to see some of them happily married, that's not what's going to make their lives complete. And neither is travel or a better job or more friends. I think that's one of the problems with "the question" is that sometimes when I ask, I am hoping in a relationship to make my friends see how wonderful they are and to make them happy. I'm hoping in a lie.

I am still going to shamelessly ask "the question." I want to know what's going on in people's lives. While I ask though, I'm going to remember that it's not where I put my hope. When I answer that question, I don't have to pretend that guys equal disease, or that I'm really sad and longing for someone to save me. My hope is in God. I want to reflect that in my answer, or I want to make up a really great, really exaggerated story about meeting someone, and kissing in the rain, and then running away to Paris to elope.

Trusting

Trust is a lesson that I learn all the time.

Sometimes I replay things over and over, trying to make them better. I think this may be called worrying. I think the Bible may say not to do it.

Earlier this week, I found myself doing just that: playing a situation over and over and over in my head, analyzing it, trying to decide if the problem was me or someone else, trying to figure out where things had gone wrong, trying to figure out how to make myself different.

And then Someone made me think, Maybe I should just stop. Maybe the way I acted was totally wrong and shows my complete social ineptness, but I can trust God. If I need to change, He is faithful to show and help me. If the problem is someone else, He is faithful to protect me.

I want to live in that freedom.

Analyzations

Been analyzing myself lately. What kind of friend am I? What will I be like in 20 years? Do I eat my soup too quickly?

Something about my personality is prone to self-examine, which doesn't make sense because I rarely come to a hard and fast conclusion. Life isn't black and white and neither am I. I'm a whitish peach.

I go in circles about things until I talk to God.

I ask Him, "Who am I? What should the world be like? Why don't you save the nicest, funniest people, instead of traitorous messes like me?"

Usually the answer I get back is, "I am God."

And you know what? He is, and that's what matters.

Beautiful

I'll rise up and call You Beautiful.

We sang a song at church with this as a main part of the lyrics.

I'll rise up and call You Beautiful.

It undoes me every time. My God is beautiful. How often do you hear that?
Not often.
I hear that He's unfair to women, that He's irrelevant, that He's mean, that He's no fun, that He's stupid to believe in, that He has too many rules, that He's an old superstition.
He's beautiful?

I'll rise up and call You Beautiful.

He is beautiful. He brings blessing and order. He deserves glory and power. He gives strength. He advocates for the weak. He is wielder of kindness, lovingkindness. What could be more beautiful?

I'll rise up and call You Beautiful.

It's one of my purposes, to speak the truth to those who don't know. He is beautiful to me. He doesn't crush the bruised reed. I am a lot like a bruised little reed. He protects me. Life with Him doesn't have all the self-serving, self-glorifying that life with Me does, but it's good.

I'll rise up and call You Beautiful.

God, I repent for the days that I am too busy questioning to hear Your truth to believe it. You are beautiful. You care for those I love.
God, I repent for the days I am too busy trying to do everything myself. You are beautiful. You care for me.

stay close

"Love God, all you saints;
God takes care of all who stay close to him.
But he pays back in full those arrogant enough to go it alone."
~The Message

Which?

"His nickname as a young man was 'Thunder Boy,' but in the end he thought of himself simply as 'the one Jesus loved.'" ~The Message, Intro to John.

Am I

Bratty, feisty, forthright, tell-it-how-it-is, Blunt, Loud, Strong, passionate

Or

Loved?

Wholly Yours

Tonight I was sitting down to work and praying. I was telling God that I am confused about how to strive to be holy like Him when I realize that I am going to fail. I can't do it on my own.

It's been a hard week. I feel trapped into the quiet girl thing. I went to my small group last night and barely said anything. I went to my classes and was quiet. I went to spagdin tonight, and couldn't manage to put myself out enough to say goodbye. That's ridiculous. I feel awkward, hard to talk to, and a little unlovable.

I think that God is challenging me to act out belief in different areas. Some of them are areas where I have struggled for a long, long time. I'm trying -- and failing.

That's just the tip of the iceburg. I don't look honestly at myself because it's too gross.

So I was telling Him that: I can't do this, but I feel like You want me to keep trying.

I turned on music and two songs in was what I needed to pray. It was a David Crowder song that I have heard a million times and never listened to. The song was "Wholly Yours."

It gently, and joyfully reminds me of the gospel, that I am nothing, but that God's redemption and grace take nothing and make it His. He is faithful to me.

But the harder I try the more clearly can I feel
The depth of our fall and the weight of it all
And so this might could be the most impossible thing
Your grandness in me making me clean

I haven't had an interaction like this with God for a long time. It's sweet, not only because it's what I needed to hear, but because I feel close to Him, something else that I've been praying for.

Thanks

When I looked up the cost of my books last week, they totalled to over 700 dollars. I was upset.

This week, I made a friend to share materials with, I randomly had someone offer to lend me a book, and I had more professors than ever before say that we didn't need a book, could share, or should buy it online.

Thank You for Your provision and love, God.