Looking for a new church

Have cute and distracting babies _____ +4 points
Everyone seems to be married and have babies _____ -4 points
There are cute guys ______ +3 points
The have a gauntlet at the door ...ooops..I mean greeters at the door ___ -2 points

The color scheme is cool _____+1 point
They show a cool video ____+1point
People talk to you ______ +4 points
There are people of all ages _____ +3 points
Young adults _____ +2
They push evangelism _____ -2
They preach a scary hellfire sermon _____ -7
Free coffee _____ +3

This clearly is a joke. I'm church looking, and I think about all these things and a lot of more serious conditions too. But in the end, there are a lot of good churches and I have to pick one. I'm scared, and having trouble trusting. In the end, it has to be God's hand that directs me, not a trendiness score. He will.