stay close

"Love God, all you saints;
God takes care of all who stay close to him.
But he pays back in full those arrogant enough to go it alone."
~The Message

Which?

"His nickname as a young man was 'Thunder Boy,' but in the end he thought of himself simply as 'the one Jesus loved.'" ~The Message, Intro to John.

Am I

Bratty, feisty, forthright, tell-it-how-it-is, Blunt, Loud, Strong, passionate

Or

Loved?

Wholly Yours

Tonight I was sitting down to work and praying. I was telling God that I am confused about how to strive to be holy like Him when I realize that I am going to fail. I can't do it on my own.

It's been a hard week. I feel trapped into the quiet girl thing. I went to my small group last night and barely said anything. I went to my classes and was quiet. I went to spagdin tonight, and couldn't manage to put myself out enough to say goodbye. That's ridiculous. I feel awkward, hard to talk to, and a little unlovable.

I think that God is challenging me to act out belief in different areas. Some of them are areas where I have struggled for a long, long time. I'm trying -- and failing.

That's just the tip of the iceburg. I don't look honestly at myself because it's too gross.

So I was telling Him that: I can't do this, but I feel like You want me to keep trying.

I turned on music and two songs in was what I needed to pray. It was a David Crowder song that I have heard a million times and never listened to. The song was "Wholly Yours."

It gently, and joyfully reminds me of the gospel, that I am nothing, but that God's redemption and grace take nothing and make it His. He is faithful to me.

But the harder I try the more clearly can I feel
The depth of our fall and the weight of it all
And so this might could be the most impossible thing
Your grandness in me making me clean

I haven't had an interaction like this with God for a long time. It's sweet, not only because it's what I needed to hear, but because I feel close to Him, something else that I've been praying for.

Thanks

When I looked up the cost of my books last week, they totalled to over 700 dollars. I was upset.

This week, I made a friend to share materials with, I randomly had someone offer to lend me a book, and I had more professors than ever before say that we didn't need a book, could share, or should buy it online.

Thank You for Your provision and love, God.

Psalm of Tuesday

I wrote this last year. It seemed like an appropriate thought for today.

Psalm of Tuesday/I Belong with You

You are there
when I'm jumbled,
when I'm not okay,
and don't understand.
You understand.

I'm going to glue my eyes on You
and surrender my fears.
I don't know it all.
I don't know what's real.
But I know you matter.
You are real.
I trust You.

My God is big,
bigger than my worries.
My God is beautiful
like chickadees and words.
My God is welcoming
making me never want to be
anywhere else.

why not insects?

God,
This is so hard
This blog-
This life.
I represent You?
Couldn't You have found some bug?
An obedient little termite or something?
Because I fail.
And I don't like pretending.
I fail at smiling.
I fail at listening.
I fail at obeying.
Maybe a grasshopper?
I say that I want to serve You,
but where is my Bible,
what do my actions say, loudly?
where are my thoughts,
and where is my heart?

:)

God,
I was waiting to say this eloquently, but I never got there.
Thanks for nature and how beautiful and revitalizing it is.
That's all I had to say.