Sometimes

Sometimes I ask my little brothers if they want to go to the park or make cookies with me or something.

Sometimes they say yes. But sometimes they say "No, I want to watch Gilligan's Island right now."

I don't force them to have fun with me, but I just walk away feeling a little sick and think to myself "Really Gilligan's Island cannot compare with building relationship. I know that at seven you think that life will always be like this, but it won't. You have no idea how much fun I had planned for you. You are missing out." And I feel sad.

Sometimes I tell God that I'd rather watch Gilligan's Island than hang out with Him.

"Oh I'm sorry, but I have at least an hour of worrying to do right now. I have to be mad at my family for a while. I'm tired and need to sit and read. I'm going to check my facebook first. Thanks for the redemption and unfailing love thing though. I appreciate that. Maybe later."

Really, I say that.

He won't force me to have fun, but I bet it makes Him sick. My selfishness cannot compare to building a relationship. Sometimes I think that this world is forever, but it isn't. I forget how much fun there is to be had. I miss out, and I make Him sad.

Sometimes my brothers and I have a blast.

Sometimes I listen to God.

And sometimes I remember not to be stupid.

Speedy Gonzales

Last night my famed sister, Beth, was making a reference to Speedy Gonzales. One of my friends said, "I've never actually seen that." Beth responded, "Oh no! You have a Speedy Gonzales shaped hole in your heart! You know how people say that you have a Jesus shaped hole? It's just like that, only smaller."

Beth's joke made me think about how stupid the Jesus-shaped hole thing is. It made me remember that Jesus is transformative and not an app that I plug into my life to make it work for me better.

Am I letting him be a transformative God?

Everybody's seester knows Speedy Gonzales!

Sometimes I don't get it

Sometimes I don't get it.
Psalm 91

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

Is this true? No harm will befall you? No disaster? Because I know people who trust God and still have miscarriages, still die in car crashes, still get cancer, still have their heart pulverized. That's life, and it sometimes seems like Christians have it worse. Look at Paul.

In the midst of suffering, God is there, but I don't see Him really keeping Christians alive and well longer than anyone else. Isn't that a prosperity gospel?

What is David talking about? This passage is making it hard for me to buy into the Psalms. And I need them. I need the reckless trust that they teach.

Looking for a new church

Have cute and distracting babies _____ +4 points
Everyone seems to be married and have babies _____ -4 points
There are cute guys ______ +3 points
The have a gauntlet at the door ...ooops..I mean greeters at the door ___ -2 points

The color scheme is cool _____+1 point
They show a cool video ____+1point
People talk to you ______ +4 points
There are people of all ages _____ +3 points
Young adults _____ +2
They push evangelism _____ -2
They preach a scary hellfire sermon _____ -7
Free coffee _____ +3

This clearly is a joke. I'm church looking, and I think about all these things and a lot of more serious conditions too. But in the end, there are a lot of good churches and I have to pick one. I'm scared, and having trouble trusting. In the end, it has to be God's hand that directs me, not a trendiness score. He will.

When I Think of Grace

When I think of grace, I remember one of the craziest years of my life. The year I was wrung out like a dry sponge. I didn't have much to give, but I constantly needed to give.

I came home to another family in the church. They talked to me, fed me, gave me room to sleep. In exchange I gave them twenty dollars a month and two hours of work a week: a pittance.

Growing up, there was a lot of give and take, but there also was the idea that you were expected to work and give -- a lot. That's what families, relationships, and life takes. I still believe that.

Only I didn't have it for this family. I was rarely home, and when I was I spent massive amounts of time doing homework, and staring at the wall. When I did interact, they saw the shy, boring, sleeping, needy Colleen. I should have given more. I really should have.

So that's why it didn't add up the weeks when I would ask to do my pitiful weekly chores and they would say, "No, you're tired. You don't need to do anything."

I owed these people at least that, but they wouldn't let me give it. They wouldn't let my value be based on what I gave, but on who I was.

Instead of getting what I deserved, they gave me grace.

Slacking

So...I'm not going to church right now.
I'm not reading my Bible. I'm not "doing religion."

The truth is I'm tired and confused.

I don't want to

a. Go to church and be angry.

b. Go to church and be entertained, but keep a safe distance. Don't get close enough to see any errors.
c. Be a church slacker.

But this week I'm choosing slacking rather than being fake.

I need Christianity to be more than a list of rules, than something I do, than something that hurts my friends, than something that is hard.

God is real; He is more. Jesus said:
Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you will recover your life. I will show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me-watch how I do it. Learn the unforced ryhthms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill fitting on you. Keep company with me and you will learn to live freely and lightly. Matthew 11:28-30 (Message Bible)

How do I find that?