Some thoughts about music

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/worship/features/22374-when-the-secular-is-sacred

This article expresses a lot of things that I think are true, but that you don't always hear at church. God is big. You don't have to be doing something overtly spiritual all the time to be living the gospel. Isn't that what we want? To worship God in everything, even in situations where we can't or shouldn't wrap ourselves in a poster that says, "JESUS?"

I love God while I wash dishes, and wipe snotty noses. I love God while I teach algebra. I love God while I carpool kids around.

I think this article expresses a part of that. Right on!

Note

Soul searching is not a fun easy process.

Posturing

I've found a small group and been going for about three weeks. They are breaking into smaller groups, so I'm waiting that out.

Someone once told me to go to a new group three times before giving up. It was good advice because it takes me that long to be comfortable.

I just joined the online community that this new church has. I hate the idea of it. Virtual church is uncomfortable for me, and as a newcomer I found it exclusive and weird. There's some irony in blogging about that.

Right now my goal is to posture myself for growth and relationship. I keep hitting walls of distrust, anger, or lack of discipline. Maybe this is where I am now, but this is not where I want to be, who I want to be, forever.

So the church adventuring continues. God help me.

"I'm not interested in the insurance industry. I'm tired of being a skeptic, I'm irritated by spiritual prudence and I feel bored and parched by empirical debate. I don't want to hear it anymore. I couldn't care less about evidence and proof and assurances. I just want God. I want God inside me. I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water." - Elizabeth Gilbert

Something to Consider

So I was reading a blog the other day and in the comments someone was ranting about this driver who cut him off. Apparently they were swerving and being an idiot and, of course, they had Jesus fish all over their car. His point was that it's embarrassing. I totally get that.

Only... Later, I thought, "Isn't that what Christianity is about? Don't we need a Savior because we are f-ed up?"

I think that church is one of the most screwed up things in the world. And yet, I meet God there. I know that you can meet God while watching TV, while at a bar etc. I go to church because I experience joy, or peace despite having finals looming, or a sense of being loved -- I experience God. I experience Him more at church than most other places. I wonder how a perfect God can be in a place full of wickedness, confusion, and hypocrisy. And then I think about God's other people, the Israelites. They were awful: whining, unfaithful, unkind, stupid. And yet God lived in a tent among them.

Because He's God. That's what He does. He loves the unlovable. He loves those who are pretending to be better than they are. He even loves Christians like me.

Sometimes it easier to judge someone for having a fish sticker, to believe that God is embarrassed by imperfect Christians. If God wanted someone perfect, He wouldn't have chosen me, Christians, or the Israelites.

Sometimes

Sometimes I ask my little brothers if they want to go to the park or make cookies with me or something.

Sometimes they say yes. But sometimes they say "No, I want to watch Gilligan's Island right now."

I don't force them to have fun with me, but I just walk away feeling a little sick and think to myself "Really Gilligan's Island cannot compare with building relationship. I know that at seven you think that life will always be like this, but it won't. You have no idea how much fun I had planned for you. You are missing out." And I feel sad.

Sometimes I tell God that I'd rather watch Gilligan's Island than hang out with Him.

"Oh I'm sorry, but I have at least an hour of worrying to do right now. I have to be mad at my family for a while. I'm tired and need to sit and read. I'm going to check my facebook first. Thanks for the redemption and unfailing love thing though. I appreciate that. Maybe later."

Really, I say that.

He won't force me to have fun, but I bet it makes Him sick. My selfishness cannot compare to building a relationship. Sometimes I think that this world is forever, but it isn't. I forget how much fun there is to be had. I miss out, and I make Him sad.

Sometimes my brothers and I have a blast.

Sometimes I listen to God.

And sometimes I remember not to be stupid.

Speedy Gonzales

Last night my famed sister, Beth, was making a reference to Speedy Gonzales. One of my friends said, "I've never actually seen that." Beth responded, "Oh no! You have a Speedy Gonzales shaped hole in your heart! You know how people say that you have a Jesus shaped hole? It's just like that, only smaller."

Beth's joke made me think about how stupid the Jesus-shaped hole thing is. It made me remember that Jesus is transformative and not an app that I plug into my life to make it work for me better.

Am I letting him be a transformative God?

Everybody's seester knows Speedy Gonzales!

Sometimes I don't get it

Sometimes I don't get it.
Psalm 91

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

Is this true? No harm will befall you? No disaster? Because I know people who trust God and still have miscarriages, still die in car crashes, still get cancer, still have their heart pulverized. That's life, and it sometimes seems like Christians have it worse. Look at Paul.

In the midst of suffering, God is there, but I don't see Him really keeping Christians alive and well longer than anyone else. Isn't that a prosperity gospel?

What is David talking about? This passage is making it hard for me to buy into the Psalms. And I need them. I need the reckless trust that they teach.

Looking for a new church

Have cute and distracting babies _____ +4 points
Everyone seems to be married and have babies _____ -4 points
There are cute guys ______ +3 points
The have a gauntlet at the door ...ooops..I mean greeters at the door ___ -2 points

The color scheme is cool _____+1 point
They show a cool video ____+1point
People talk to you ______ +4 points
There are people of all ages _____ +3 points
Young adults _____ +2
They push evangelism _____ -2
They preach a scary hellfire sermon _____ -7
Free coffee _____ +3

This clearly is a joke. I'm church looking, and I think about all these things and a lot of more serious conditions too. But in the end, there are a lot of good churches and I have to pick one. I'm scared, and having trouble trusting. In the end, it has to be God's hand that directs me, not a trendiness score. He will.

When I Think of Grace

When I think of grace, I remember one of the craziest years of my life. The year I was wrung out like a dry sponge. I didn't have much to give, but I constantly needed to give.

I came home to another family in the church. They talked to me, fed me, gave me room to sleep. In exchange I gave them twenty dollars a month and two hours of work a week: a pittance.

Growing up, there was a lot of give and take, but there also was the idea that you were expected to work and give -- a lot. That's what families, relationships, and life takes. I still believe that.

Only I didn't have it for this family. I was rarely home, and when I was I spent massive amounts of time doing homework, and staring at the wall. When I did interact, they saw the shy, boring, sleeping, needy Colleen. I should have given more. I really should have.

So that's why it didn't add up the weeks when I would ask to do my pitiful weekly chores and they would say, "No, you're tired. You don't need to do anything."

I owed these people at least that, but they wouldn't let me give it. They wouldn't let my value be based on what I gave, but on who I was.

Instead of getting what I deserved, they gave me grace.

Slacking

So...I'm not going to church right now.
I'm not reading my Bible. I'm not "doing religion."

The truth is I'm tired and confused.

I don't want to

a. Go to church and be angry.

b. Go to church and be entertained, but keep a safe distance. Don't get close enough to see any errors.
c. Be a church slacker.

But this week I'm choosing slacking rather than being fake.

I need Christianity to be more than a list of rules, than something I do, than something that hurts my friends, than something that is hard.

God is real; He is more. Jesus said:
Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you will recover your life. I will show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me-watch how I do it. Learn the unforced ryhthms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill fitting on you. Keep company with me and you will learn to live freely and lightly. Matthew 11:28-30 (Message Bible)

How do I find that?

My name is Empty

Maybe this is perverse, but I want to be like Naomi. Naomi in the Bible. She is an Israelite, one of the chosen people. Maybe she had a happy life, but it soon turns into hell. She has to leave her home country, and her husband and two sons die. The Bible has such happy stories. Not that that's not terrific, but it's not particularly the part I envy. The part I envy is the next part.

Naomi, the bereft and broken, goes home to the people and places of youth. When she gets home she says, "Oh, it's been hard, but I'm so glad to be home. Really I'm coping well, and God is good."

Not really. She actually says, "My name, my identity has meant "blessed," but I don't want to be called that anymore. Let my name be Bitter because God has let life kick me in the gut over and over again."

Maybe it is perverse of me, but I love that. I love that she is so blatant. I love that she doesn't sugarcoat anything or try to hide her soul sickness. Blessed are the poor in spirit.

While I don't think that it's okay to stay in a bad place or to be proud of sin, I do think that most people are too ashamed to be struggling; we're ashamed of being mad at God. Part of that probably comes from a reverence for God, but part of it also probably comes from thinking we're supposed to be perfect without God.

I've been told that God can handle my honesty. I've been told that my identity doesn't come from having everything together. So why am I not more like Naomi?